Adele and self-pity.

It's a Wednesday night, and it's one of those nights where if I was classy enough, or had a taste for it, I would be sitting here drinking a glass or bottle of wine, with candles lit, one lamp on, and the window cracked with a light breeze blowing in and making sheer curtains dance in the candle light. Adele is playing in the background, and I am sitting here breathing deeply, calming myself down. I am in one of those pondering moods, one where writing seems to be my only salvation from myself.

Life is moving fast. Too fast, in fact, that I cannot seem to get my footing. I am losing my barring, and spinning, and watching the world move past at a speed that is incomprehensible. I am inexplicably excited for the future, so much so that I wish it would just get here already. But I am also so nervous and so scared, I don't know what to do with myself.

But this blog post is not supposed to be about that. This blog post is to vent, to talk things out. This is my blog, and my space to just sit here and wonder about things. And tonight, I am going to wonder out loud about something that I just saw in a movie tonight.

What I am wondering is, why am I so unassertive most of the time? Why do I sometimes let people push me around? Why do I rarely stick up for myself until it is too late? It is something that I simply and utterly dislike about myself. I am fed up with it, and with people, who walk all over me, because they have figured out that they are that type of person that I cannot say no to. I am who I am, and I suppose that I will be that way for the rest of my life because that pattern has already been molded into me... but I wish that it wasn't. I want to just say NO. So at least for tonight, and at least on here, I am going to say it... NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. And you know what? Sometimes, I want to be the one who people do things for. I want to be the one that you leave wall posts for. I want to be the one you drive hundreds of miles just to support them.

Ha, maybe one day.

'til next time,

XOXO, B