While the world sleeps, I study.

My biological clock is so off compared to the entire worlds. I have not gone to sleep before 3AM for the past 3 nights thanks to work. And now I am facing that same time as I have my last final exam tomorrow. I have never been this close to falling asleep on my books. I have studied quite a bit for this exam, and I seriously need to do really well on it. I can only hope that my love for the material and the effort that I have put into it will eventually pay off. I just need to keep reviewing, keep my head up, and then wake up and start this process all over again until I am done with this loveliness tomorrow. I have never looked forward to a winter break as much as I am looking forward to this one. I think that going home and being away from all the madness that is my life will be very refreshing, and will go by way too quickly. I love my home, and the people who make it a home for me, and I cannot wait to see everyone. I think that that is what is getting me through this last final. I don't mind that it is so late in the week, because the things I am looking forward to the most are right on the horizon. So bring it on Psych 116, bring it on. I am looking forward to taking you and being done with you tomorrow.

Thunder and Gray

I haven't felt like this in a long time. "Something tastes different, maybe it's my tongue. Something tastes different, suddenly I'm not so young." I don't know why I am feeling the way that I am or have been for the past day or two. I feel as though sometimes you can't stay at one level forever, you have to change and see things from all different aspects, emotions, views. "'cause I've fallen so far away from the place where I started from..." I sincerely wish that my ups and downs didn't remind me of a thrilling roller coaster that may be fun for the first or second ride, but then makes you sick after a few.

It's an odd thing, to know when you are acting a certain way, but you can't pull yourself out of it. When you can see how the way you are acting is affecting people around you, but then how you can't seem to stop. I feel like it is some sort of illness or something that I cannot mentally escape. I want to feel better, I want to get off of this gloomy, gray cloud, and I know I eventually will; but it's the wait for that to happen that is killing me. That's why I am writing about it, so that maybe me writing down how I feel and what I know will make me calm down and get off of my thunder cloud.

I know that you always take out your feelings on people that you are closest too. But why? Can't we just channel that bad energy at the people who deserve to see us at our worst? Maybe that's it. Maybe we show the people we are closest to who we are at our worst in the hopes that they will still love and care about you when you are out of it. And then a closer bond will be formed, because they have seen you at rock bottom and have held out their hand despite of it. So thank you, to those of you who have been there with me and held out your hand. It's people like you who make me a better person and always show me the light and some guidance when I can barely see past the dark gloom that sometimes encompasses me.

Sometimes

Sometimes I never stop. Sometimes I never wake. Sometimes I just walk around in a daze. Sometimes I never sleep. Sometimes I never breathe. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I never think. Sometimes I think too much. Sometimes I just want to hide. Sometimes it feels as though the world around me will just keep spinning, and sometimes I know I am right. Sometimes I wonder if I just sit down and take a few breaths, if it will eventually slow down. Sometimes I realize it won't. Sometimes I really know how fortunate I am. Sometimes I see how much happiness and love surrounds me. Sometimes, I don't. Sometimes I think that life moves too fast, and sometimes it moves too slow. Sometimes I think nothing, just sit here and stare. And sometimes I sit here and write with care. Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead. And sometimes I smile because I love the way I am.