While the world sleeps, I study.

My biological clock is so off compared to the entire worlds. I have not gone to sleep before 3AM for the past 3 nights thanks to work. And now I am facing that same time as I have my last final exam tomorrow. I have never been this close to falling asleep on my books. I have studied quite a bit for this exam, and I seriously need to do really well on it. I can only hope that my love for the material and the effort that I have put into it will eventually pay off. I just need to keep reviewing, keep my head up, and then wake up and start this process all over again until I am done with this loveliness tomorrow. I have never looked forward to a winter break as much as I am looking forward to this one. I think that going home and being away from all the madness that is my life will be very refreshing, and will go by way too quickly. I love my home, and the people who make it a home for me, and I cannot wait to see everyone. I think that that is what is getting me through this last final. I don't mind that it is so late in the week, because the things I am looking forward to the most are right on the horizon. So bring it on Psych 116, bring it on. I am looking forward to taking you and being done with you tomorrow.

Thunder and Gray

I haven't felt like this in a long time. "Something tastes different, maybe it's my tongue. Something tastes different, suddenly I'm not so young." I don't know why I am feeling the way that I am or have been for the past day or two. I feel as though sometimes you can't stay at one level forever, you have to change and see things from all different aspects, emotions, views. "'cause I've fallen so far away from the place where I started from..." I sincerely wish that my ups and downs didn't remind me of a thrilling roller coaster that may be fun for the first or second ride, but then makes you sick after a few.

It's an odd thing, to know when you are acting a certain way, but you can't pull yourself out of it. When you can see how the way you are acting is affecting people around you, but then how you can't seem to stop. I feel like it is some sort of illness or something that I cannot mentally escape. I want to feel better, I want to get off of this gloomy, gray cloud, and I know I eventually will; but it's the wait for that to happen that is killing me. That's why I am writing about it, so that maybe me writing down how I feel and what I know will make me calm down and get off of my thunder cloud.

I know that you always take out your feelings on people that you are closest too. But why? Can't we just channel that bad energy at the people who deserve to see us at our worst? Maybe that's it. Maybe we show the people we are closest to who we are at our worst in the hopes that they will still love and care about you when you are out of it. And then a closer bond will be formed, because they have seen you at rock bottom and have held out their hand despite of it. So thank you, to those of you who have been there with me and held out your hand. It's people like you who make me a better person and always show me the light and some guidance when I can barely see past the dark gloom that sometimes encompasses me.

Sometimes

Sometimes I never stop. Sometimes I never wake. Sometimes I just walk around in a daze. Sometimes I never sleep. Sometimes I never breathe. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I never think. Sometimes I think too much. Sometimes I just want to hide. Sometimes it feels as though the world around me will just keep spinning, and sometimes I know I am right. Sometimes I wonder if I just sit down and take a few breaths, if it will eventually slow down. Sometimes I realize it won't. Sometimes I really know how fortunate I am. Sometimes I see how much happiness and love surrounds me. Sometimes, I don't. Sometimes I think that life moves too fast, and sometimes it moves too slow. Sometimes I think nothing, just sit here and stare. And sometimes I sit here and write with care. Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead. And sometimes I smile because I love the way I am.

Something I have been thinking about.

As I have stated before, I think it is funny that the only thing certain in life is uncertainty itself. It makes you wonder what will happen next in your life, and how you got to the place where you are today. Little did I know that I would be leading the life that I am today, a year ago. I had goals, I had plans, I had aspirations. Some of them came true, some of them failed miserably. Like that whole working out everyday thing, and volunteering every week at the animal shelter. Yea, those never seemed to actually work out. But here I am, a year later and I am completely happy with my life. Completely satisfied and not really wanting something else for a change. It is nice. Complacent would be a great word.

It's funny, I think, that in one year my life could turn around so much, in one summer even. I have in the past felt so much older a year later than a certain age, but never so much as in this year. It's not that I have done anything significant that has made me feel more grown up, but I guess it is just the responsibilities that I now have, and the way that I lead my life now. Even since the beginning of spring quarter this year, I feel as though I have grown up so much since then. It's funny when on your birthday people ask you if you feel any older. I didn't understand that question until now I think. Maybe next year I will respond with a yes. I should at least, as by that time I should be a college grad and have some sort of direction in my life at the very least. But this year, the only reason I responded with the yes answer was because I was able to finally order myself a drink. But this year, no rules will change, no privileges will be granted, I will just turn twenty two teen. But even just a few months into my 22nd trip around the sun, I feel so much older. I am truly curious about the future when I think back about this time in my life, or even back in this blog, and think, wow, I was really naive back then, or wow, look at how young I was. Curiouser and curiouser.

I also think it's amazing how relationships, be with family members, friends, and significant others, change in the span of a year as well. Thinking back to a year ago today, I was in a place that I truly disliked, mentally and physically. I was trying to change myself, and well, I did. I am so very happy to say that I did it. I returned to being a person that I loved, I returned to being the me that I was and am happy with. And I have lost some friends along the way, some people who brought me down, and brought out a side of me that I didn't love. And I have gained some friends, some amazing people who helped me find once again who I want to be. I have missed some people, and been happy to leave some behind. I think that everyone does come into our lives for a reason, and the people that stay with you are ones that truly are meant to, and the ones that leave us, well maybe they were there for us to learn a thing or two from, but we do not need them in our futures.

And with that, responsibility calls, quite literally, I have to go into work.

'til next time,

XOXO, B

Stress and Excitement

Today has been a hot, beautiful day. I woke up, went to class, went to work, and then went to an interview for an internship, which I got and am very excited about! I have a lot to look forward to this week, and so little time to myself, it's crazy. I really should get around to my homework and studying, but it's just so damn hard when all I do is go, go, go. It's also pretty hard to pay attention in a class taught in a completely different language at 9:30 in the morning. But oh well, I signed up for it, it is just another challenge that I am going to have to overcome myself.

Speaking of challenges, a friend of mine decided to stop smoking cigarettes. I am so freaking proud of him. However, that is one difficult challenge that he is going to have to overcome. I am just so thankful that few of my friends have a smoking addiction, or some other sort of addiction for that matter. It is an ugly thing addiction, and good can rarely come from it. Think about it, even the word addiction doesn't sound appealing. It sounds so clingy, so needy, and so helpless. I have known great people who have suffered from an addiction and lost in the battle. I truly hope that everyone can fight the urge to do something they will become addicted to; and I don't mean just drugs. Gambling, smoking, shooting up, over-working, alcohol, success, money, fame, someone, caffeine, gum. Anything.

Well that was another random rant. Sometimes I like just letting my fingers flow when I get in this sort of mood.

'til next time,

XOXO, B

Happiness

I am sitting here, in my last thirty minutes of freedom before work; which leads to interviews tomorrow morning, more work, and the second session of summer school; watching The Notebook. It is such a phenomenal movie. Not many guys can see it and think it is amazing, luckily for me though, I found one that does.

Anyways, this movie just makes me happy, and happy that that type of love exists. I have previously written very anti-love posts, and I am here today to formally say that I am sorry for baggin on love, because it came back and kicked my butt in the fight. I think it can take one bad seed to ruin someone. Maybe not completely, but maybe ruin their views, their opportunity, their openness to something. And once that person has ruined it, it takes a long time for someone completely special to come and turn it all around. Every time we are hurt by someone, by love, we build our wall a little higher, and for me, my wall was beginning to look like the empire state building. But then, just to be as cheesy as I possibly can be, love came around and knocked it down. I am very happy, and I just wanted to write a little somethin about my happiness in here.

'til next time,

XOXO, B

New times, new places, new home.

It's been a few weeks since I have been able to have a stable internet connection, so I therefore have not been able to post in here, which was oddly difficult because it was as if I didn't have a diary I could vent to. I don't have anything really to vent about, but I do rather enjoy just writing down my gobbledy gook thoughts at random hours of the day, and knowing that I have a few people who possibly enjoy reading it.

I am moved into my new home, and I am sure I will have a few great pictures to add in here in the near future. It is such an awesome house, and directly by the beach! We got the place set up in a matter of a few days, and today with the long and horrid process of dealing with Cox we finally have internet and cable a week later than when we were supposed to have it. My OCD wouldn't let the house sit around incomplete for long, and I am very proud of how everything finally came together.

I had an amazing Fourth of July with an amazing new addition to my life, and for all of you hopeless romantics out there, he took my breath away by slow dancing with me as I sang while the fireworks were shooting off overhead. I cannot wait to see him again this weekend, and meet the main lady in his life.

This summer I think is going by way too fast, and I don't know where it all went. I vividly remember sitting at the bar a month ago today, having my first drink as a 21 year old, and thinking about the craziness that would be this summer. But in fact, it has been very laid back and, well not relaxing yet, but not as crazy as I would have imagined. I am already three weeks into summer school, and only have three weeks left of this first session, and feel as though I have learned a lot, but barely retained much at all. Time keeps on tickin'.

I figured out what I want to do with my life the other day, and no it does not involve writing a pointless column in a newspaper, as this blog would make me out to want. I want to work for the San Diego Chargers, and work my way up in the sports industry. That is the plan for now at least. There is just something about football and San Diego, I can't really get away from I guess.

I have a quiz in the morning, and this post felt more like a ramble than a true entry, but it was needed, and you know what, it's my blog, so I am going to ramble all I want.

'til next time,

XOXO, B

An old note.

Now this note that I wrote over a year ago on Facebook caused quite a stir... so I wanted to post it on here, as it is more of a blog post type thing, than a note. Here goes...

"For the record, I wrote this while I was in a weird rage at around one in the morning, without editing. Enjoy.

When I was younger I used to hear that quote, or read it, and just laugh and call it complete bogus. There was no way the good girl over there would ever fall for a scum like him. Never. Well never say never because you bet your butt she did. And then he fucked her over. Just as expected, and everything went according to plan. See, with those good guys, there is always the expectation that they will be the prince charming at the end of the fairy tale. Isn’t that what we are taught growing up? “Ella the girl of the cinders, did the wash and the walls and the winders, but she landed a prince who was brawny and blue eyed and blonde.” If everyone can have happily ever afters, why not you and the good guy prince charming you are with? Well, it’s because he doesn’t think you are Miss Right or because he is off fucking the not so good girl next door. With good guys, you never know what will happen. You think everything is perfect and will go along with those long lost tales, you will be proposed to, and the glass slipper will fit. But when that day comes that you find him putting the shoe on some other fair maiden, the happily ever after turns into a happily after never.

So us women who are left stranded without that prince who once charmed our pants off, have nothing to rely on anymore. Better not take a chance with that other nice guy who happened to waltz into our life at the perfect moment, no, you know you can depend on that one guy who no matter what time of night it is, kick you out of the house so he can sleep better, or ignore your calls until he wants something in return. At least with him you know that he will most likely be there when you want, or at least when he wants; and then treat you like crap, which is fine because you already know he will. He is permanently kept in the “bad boy” category and although he may seem nice every once in awhile, you know deep down he will never hop categories, so you keep going back because unlike Prince Charming, you already know he is an asshole and can depend on him to be one. Isn’t it much nicer to keep your expectations low so that he can go above and beyond one night and make you completely thrilled? Isn’t it better to know that he won’t call you back, but when he does it surprises you? Isn’t it better to know he may be with someone else that night, but then you get the text or call or email from him wondering what you are doing? Yes. With a good guy, you get none of that suspense. He has already beat all expectations, has nothing else to do but be with you, and he leaves you messages and texts so often it’s almost annoying. But as soon as any of that stops, we freak out. We suspect him of cheating on us, of ignoring us, of disliking us. With a bad boy, we already know he is doing that, and we are fine with it. And that, THAT is why the good girls always end up falling for the bad boys. They offer suspense and a very odd sense of security, that no matter what, we know we are screwed over in the end. "

'til next time,

XOXO, B

Stayin' Classy.

America's Finest City is the best city, hands down. I have had the greatest time since I got down here this past Friday. I don't know why I stay away for so long. I believe part of it may be the lack of my friends during the school year, that kind of puts a damper on things. But it is not just the friends that make this place so hard to leave, it's the memories, the food, and my family. I miss them so much when I am 300 miles away. Who knew that that seemingly little distance would keep me away for such great lengths of time. Today I went out to lunch with my family and had a margarita and a great lunch. I got my hair done, and just hung out at home. It was very relaxing.

Tonight I am about to leave and go have some fancy dessert with my dear friends and bid one another farewell. I don't know if I can deal with this. Just when we get used to being near each other again, and realizing why we love each other so much and understanding why our friendship is so strong, we have to leave. It really isn't fair. However, I think that is the beauty and the curse of college. We leave our homes, our friends, our families, and then after 4+ years, we have the ones who care about us the most still around us, and talking to us as if no time had passed at all.

And that is why I love my friends and family so very much.

Above is the picture of my first homemade cosmo. Amazing.

'til next time,

XOXO, B

Home is where the heart is.

I am home! Nothing compares to that feeling of being able to come out to the breakfast and have people who love you wish you a good morning and hand you your favorite fruit. (Banana, if you were wondering) Today is going to be nothing short of amazing. I cannot believe that I am old enough to rent a hotel room and go downtown with my friends. Drinks by the pool anyone? Pictures to follow.

Right now my favorite song at the moment is on... California Gurls. It definitely is my anthem this summer. The drive down was completely unbearable, and I am just happy to be home and in America's Finest City. After some unpacking, or a lot of it I should say, I am going to get ready, pack up my clothes and head downtown with some of my best friends. Summer '10 is here, and I am definitely ready for it.

Change in topic, I am not sure how I feel about the music artist, Ke$ha. A very random thing to say, but her song Your Love is My Drug just came on the radio, and I do really like it. I also love Tik Tok, but I am not sure if I like her. Who knows. I admire her work, but her voice can drive me crazy at times.

Wow, I have missed Channel 93.3! I know I will hear all of these songs about 5 times today, but they always play what I love.

Well, it is about that time for me to get dressed and start my day. I cannot wait for this week at home!

'til next time,

XOXO, B

Twenty one is so much fun!

I can't believe that I am 21!!! So exciting, so new, and so interesting. It is everything I thought it would be, but not as much of a big deal. Yesterday was just a day of me feeling, "It's about damn time." When purchasing my first bottle of alcohol, Hypnotic, no bells shot off, no music started playing, only the sound of the manager wishing me "Happy Birthday!" and giving me two free shooters could be heard. But I wasn't disappointed. Nope. I was and still am just so excited for the whole new world that just opened up at my feet.

On a different note, I am taking my last final today at noon. Only about 3.5 hours away from freedom! Well at least a week of freedom before summer school starts, that is. I can't believe how fast my Junior year has gone by. There is no way that I can be starting my senior year of college in a few months... But alas, I am!

I think to sum up my feelings as of right now, I am just anxious. Excited, scared, nervous, happy, sad, pretty much every emotion under the sun could describe how I feel about this coming summer and last year of school. Do I know what I want to be when I grow up? Nope. Do I know where I am going to be a year from not? Not really. Do I really care right now? No way, I just turned 21 and summer vacation is 3 hours away. Hell. Yes.

From here on out, or whenever I remember, I am going to take pictures of the fabulous sunsets I see, or various things that inspire me, and the drinks that I have on my way. Pictured on the left is a photo of my first ever Mango Margarita at El Torito. I have been waiting for it since my mom let me sip hers at age 12.

Now I am off to study for that pesky last final! Wish me luck!

'til next time,

XOXO, B

Caffeine and birth.

It is 9:18 AM on June 7, 2010. Less than 15 hours until I turn 21!!! I am SO excited, if you couldn't tell. I really couldn't sleep much last night, and I blame it on the Grande White Chocolate Mocha, Iced with light ice and Nonfat milk. For anyone who was curious, that is my drink at Starbucks. I drank it roughly around the time of 6PM last night, and it helped me survive studying, and then helped me stay awake until 3AM. You gotta love finals week and the bodily effects of caffeine.

This whole process of turning 21 is starting to dawn on me. Tomorrow morning, I can wake up, throw on some clothes, march on over to K&B and pick up whatever alcohol I want. Tomorrow for lunch I am going to Gio's with friends to split a pitcher of beer and pizza with my friends, and tomorrow night I will be drinking a jumbo sized mango margarita at El Torito. What?! How crazy is that?!

It makes me realize, too, that I will no longer have another birthday that is exciting. Unless I can't wait for the possibility of renting a car in California, or running for President. What is it about birthdays anyways? They are just another way that we humans decided to mark the passage of time, proving to us how short life really is, and how quickly it passes before our eyes.

What I don't understand, is why we receive birthday presents. Believe me, as a kid, and even now, I LOVE receiving presents. But why do we get them on our day of birth? Is each present a symbolic gesture of the friend or family member showing how grateful they are for you to be alive? I think that our mothers should get presents on our birthday. So what if today marks the day I took my first breath of air? Mom sat in labor for 14 hours just so that I could be here today. I think that Mothers' Day should just be everyones birthday.

My mom's actual birthday is this coming Saturday, and I decided for her present, that I am going to buy her four mini Patron bottles, and have her split it with my dad, possibly my brother, and me. I cannot wait to see her face. She will love it.

Now it's time to get back to some pre-final studying. Oh joy.

'til next time,

XOXO, B

Summer Sun and Deviled Eggs

I am back almost 4 months after my last post. It is officially only 24 hours until my 21st Birthday! Let the fun begin...

I am not in the crappy mood that I was in back in January. As you can see, my mood really does come and go with the weather. With the summer sun, my spirits have once again started to soar. And I am saying all this while I have a final tomorrow morning.

There is not much weighing on my mind right now. I am listening to Feeling Good by Michael Bublé right now. Not much can bring me down. However, this week is going to be one of the most exciting, fun, stressful, and interesting weeks of my life.

I am going to turn 21 in between two finals, and right after that I have to pack up all my belongings, move out of my home of two years, cram everything my roommates and I own into a 10X12 storage unit, then travel all the way back home to enjoy a week of summer before summer school starts. Boy, isn't that a mouthful?!

That is when the fun will start. I honestly cannot wait to return to my family and friends, and spend a wonderful week in the beautifully sunny San Diego. Which really makes me think about how great it is, and how fortunate I am to have such an amazing home to return to. What more could a girl ask for? Friends, Family, sun, love, and a week of freedom. Nothing makes me happier than summer, friends, and family. And my roommate's deviled eggs she just gave to me. Wow. On that note, I am going to get back to studying.

'til next time,

XOXO, B

Rain, rain go away.

My mood comes and goes with the weather. These days it feels as though whenever it rains, it pours, and whenever it does so I am just in this horrible funk of a mood. Why do I get this way? I really couldn't say.

It seems like whenever something great happens for me in my life, I get overly excited for it to the point that I ruin it by expecting too much by it. It's like when you are little and have a crush on the "cutest boy" at school. You build up this fantasy about the life that you two will have together when he picks you up on his white horse and carries you off into the distance. But then he doesn't come by horse, he comes by his smelly locker room sneakers and barely asks you out. You say yes, but then he doesn't call, and he doesn't bother to do much of anything but say hi to you everyday. Then you realize that he wasn't this amazing guy, he was really just another one who caught your attention long enough so you could make him up to who you want him to be in your head.

That is where I am at right now. I am listening to Kansas and being all cynical, and you know what? I blame it on the weather. Why? Because it seems to be that whenever it rains, I drown myself in self pity.

Life isn't always what it's cracked up to be. No. It is something that we had no say coming into, and then we are forced to live it. It is made fun by friends, horrible by taxes and bills, loving by family, meaningful by the small traces you leave behind, and forgettable once it is over.

See? All of this disgusting existential bull shit comes out of me when I am feeling blue and surrounded by a wet sky of grey. And I thought that I would feel loads and loads better by writing this out... but no. Not very much so at all. Until it stops raining I think I will be a little under the weather. ha. ha.

'til next time,

xoxo B