Productivity and a Library

I was and still am sitting in my campus' library, with the full intent to do two readings for my Psych class. An hour and a half later, I have read a page and a half, written down one question, and managed to watch an entire episode of SNL. This is productivity at it's best. I guess that after a week like last week, where I caught up with everything that I needed to, I can give myself a minor break in between my classes.

Maybe my lack in productivity is due to my lack of coffee. I really think that coffee can fix anyones day, and make them way more productive than they thought possible. Maybe instead of getting my bike and biking to class, I will go grab a coffee and walk to class. This, to me, sounds like a great idea.

Sitting in a library, I believe, can either grant you productivity, or give you an illusion of productivity. You have numerous other students around you "studying," "writing papers," etc. So maybe just being surrounded by others who are trying to do the same thing as you is a motivator. But then you have the sneaky people who look as though they are researching some fascinating theory, but when you look closely, are just "poking" their friends on Facebook and catching up with the latest gossip on Perez.

Maybe most of the people who are in here right now, are just like me. Attempting to be productive, relying on the productivity of others to motivate them. And maybe some, just like me, tried and failed, and are now just adding to the wondrous illusion of being productive in a quiet library at a prestigious university.

'til next time,

XOXO, B

Growing Up.

Growing up is scary. It scares me everyday. I don't know what I want to do, where I want to be, who I want to be. Reviewing all my ideas when I was little earlier with my boyfriend only made me laugh. Even then, I still did not have any concrete clue as to what I wanted to be when I got older. It took me two years of college to decide upon a major, and only after I got through the pre-major courses did I actually enjoy it. Maybe that is what my future job will be like. I will just randomly come across it, and sort of find something interesting in it, and then finally learn to love it. Maybe. I don't think it will just fall into my lap, as I would like it to. No, I think it is something that will come maybe after a few trials and errors. And I think that is what scares me so much about it. I want to know what I want to do, and do it, and have that be that. But can I get that? No.

I honestly have no idea what the future holds, nor do I have any clue what would make me happy. When I think about myself ten years from now, correction, when I TRY to think about myself ten years from now, I see my blonde hair, and maybe some nice clothes, but that is as far as it goes. I don't think we can ever picture ourselves ten years from now. It is almost impossible to correctly assume what the future will hold. I think some people generally love to think about the future, to obsess about it, to try and figure out what will happen. For me, I sit here and find all this change rather frightening, and I want to put it off as much as possible. But then again, I am a hypocrite thinking about how much I can't wait to get away from where I am, to be done with school, and to just move on. I think it's hard for us to ever truly be happy right where we are. Especially in a society like today where we keep itching to get to Tomorrow Land, and see what the next big and better thing will be. Why can't we just focus in on today? I think I just found my peace in where I am at, and the fact that I don't know what tomorrow, or six months from now holds. And I think that that is perfectly fine.

'til next time,

XOXO, B

Exploring familiar places...

So, I am wondering how it is that I have lived in the beautiful place that is Santa Barbara for almost four years now, and I am just now writing a blog entry, or as I like to think of it as a more public form of diary entry, out by the beautiful beach. It is a beautifully sunny day in which a t-shirt and jeans is all you need to wear to be perfectly comfortable, and maybe a pair of sunglasses. I would love to just sit out here everyday as I am doing right now, and maybe weather permitting I will make more of a habit out of this while I have a small break in between responsibilities.

I would think that on a day like today, I would be miserable after having worked so much and slept so little today... but I am actually pretty happy. There is a song called, She's Only Happy in the Sun... I may have mentioned it before. But sometimes I feel like the name of that song goes along with me quite well. Or maybe it's that I actually had coffee this morning, and it is positively affecting me, and that later today I will start to crash. Who knows.

I know that in the next few months my life is going to be a little more difficult. It feels like my best friend moved away. I am just overreacting, and it will eventually become the norm to talk to my love so infrequently. But for the first while I know that I am going to be sad. I think that I am going to label the next chapter of my life as "Rediscovering and Redefining My Independence." It is a necessary step, and for a girl like myself, I am so surprised that I was able to let go of so much independence so quickly. It's funny how "...people do crazy things... when they're in love." (Meg-Hercules) I guess becoming more dependent because you have added someone you love to your life is not that crazy. But a year ago, if I were to have seen myself as I am not, I would have laughed and said I was crazy. It's funny how one person can just enter your life and turn it upside down. So, it's on to rediscovering and redefining my independence. Trying to find the happiness that I know I have with myself, and focusing on that for awhile, while also maintaining some dependence on the one person who has made me feel like I never have before.

Wow, that was a long little tangent.

So, this little exploration and rediscovery of the beach on the far side of campus has made me feel even happier than just the little droll bike ride around campus that I was going to do. This is a nice writing spot, and I am very excited to have stumbled upon it. It's also very entertaining hearing the sounds of the beach mixed in with the hustling and bustling of this university. I hope I come here more often. And now it's on to another one of my responsibilities, and with that I bid you farewell for now.

'til next time,

XOXO, B