Why cry?

There is no biological need to cry. Psychologically the act of crying is, as of now, thought to be an act of perceiving one's helplessness. Sometimes it can be caused by pain, an onset of tears following an act so surprising and painful. But most times, it is due to an emotional state. Whether it's happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, or joy. Humans, so far, have been the only species to cry. It is often said by people that after crying they feel a lot better, and this has something to do with a hormone related to stress that leaves with peoples tears. So crying, for humans at least, seems to be somewhat of a norm, and can be somewhat helpful.

So why then, do I hate when I cry? Why do I hide it from people, and have only shown very few people my face while crying? Why do I feel ashamed to cry? And weak?

Growing up I only saw my father cry a few times, and each of those times were really jarring. And my mother, well I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I saw her cry too. Crying, in my family, is just not something we do. I have never found it attractive when a man cries, more so that it is unattractive and a sign of weakness. Girls crying doesn't phase me at all. Sexism I suppose. But, I am a girl. I cry. But I am ashamed to. It's weak, it's beyond weak, it's perceiving some sort of helplessness. I hate crying. Tearing up at a good movie, or at the end of The Notebook, that's different to me. At a funeral, or after a break up, those are different too. But full on crying, because you cannot comprehend the emotions that you have, you cannot feel anything other than helplessness, that, THAT, to me is something to be embarrassed about.

Believe me, I have cried. I have sobbed. I have needed a tissue so badly that I was forced to snot all over my sleeve. I did that tonight. Something shook me so much that I felt helpless and all I could do was cry. And now, I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that I had to cry and have someone tell me that it will be alright. I am embarrassed that I couldn't be mature enough to figure out things without opening up the floodgates of my eyes. I am embarrassed that I had to cry and could not hold my stuff together enough to get through one phone call so that I wouldn't drag the person I loved into my own little pity party.

It's hard not to cry sometimes, though. Once you have figured out that you are helpless against your own emotions, that you cannot even think one more thought without those dreaded floodgates of emotion pouring down your face. Once you have figured out that you are about to cry, it is extremely difficult to stop. And then those pesky little tears, the ones that you have held off for so long, come streaming down your cheeks, burning like a flame on a gasoline trail. And then you can't stop. Once you have let those floodgates open, there is no shutting them until all the emotion you have piled up behind them have flooded down your face, and left you standing in a pool of shame.

I hate crying. I hate the embarrassment. I hate the realization of helplessness. I hate the emotion. And I hate that no matter how hard I try, sometimes those evil floodgates burst open and will not shut until I have embarrassed myself so much, until I feel so helpless, crying again seems like the only option.

'til next time,

XOXO, B